I Sat in My Car and I Cried

2021 was not a good year for me health-wise and it is time to come clean. In our chronic illness life, things don’t always go according to plan. Before I get into the details, I want to make VERY clear I do not in any way regret participating in the clinical trial I was on. It was wonderful, the people were wonderful, I was very well cared for. I am no longer on the trial, as you shall read, but that doesn’t mean the medication isn’t a great medication. I was just unfortunate. It happens. Hopefully I will have contributed to scientific knowledge in some small way.

So let’s get into it.

For whatever reason, during 2021 my medication stopped working for me. This could have been due to a variety of different reasons, we will never be able to prove the reason specifically for me so I am not going to discuss the various possibilities. It is not unknown: medications can just stop working for particular people. Of course, so much happened in my life DURING 2021, we did have a tendency to think I was flaring because of “stuff” happening. To just do a quick recap:

• February: I suffered a fall, injured left ankle, right wrist (but saved my knee!!)
• March: First Covid-19 vaccine (can cause flares in people like me)
• April: Preparing for foot surgery (training work replacement etc, super busy)
• May: Bi-lateral foot surgery followed by six weeks of inactivity
• June: Second Covid-19 vaccine (can cause flares in people like me), plus I resigned from my old job
• July: Started new job

So basically, lots of quite stressful events. That’s without considering the lockdowns which resulted in a lack of access to the gym and swimming and the various other concerns we all dealt with in 2021.

I did not want to accept that my medication wasn’t working (and that’s on me, it was my decision to persevere longer than I should have), for it had been wonderful. Best part was I did not suffer any side effects. However, at the end of 2021 it got to the point I had to accept the advice. A change of medication was needed. However, by now we were getting towards the holiday season and so appointment scheduling became an issue.

I’m leaving some detail out, but on New Year’s Day I almost took myself to an Emergency Department (ED). I didn’t for two reasons: A) If I went to my closest public hospital, I risked Covid-19 exposure, B) If I went to my local private hospital the ED fee would be money I really did not want to spend and I knew that in reality they’d likely manage the pain and tell me to call my rheumatologist on Tuesday. I could do that myself. So I soldiered on.

By January 4 it would have been easier to tell you what didn’t hurt, rather than what did. Even the entheses of my left hip were painful and THAT was scary as hips were one part of my body that had not previously been involved. What was painful?

• Shoulders
• Ankles
• All Toes
• Left hip
• Elbows
• Wrists
• Most fingers
• Hands
• Knees (yes, even the operated knee felt swollen, but not painful, the right was painful)
• Neck
• TMJ (jaw joint)
• Left Achilles Tendon
• I also had some plantar fasciitis

That may not be a full list, but you get the picture. In the past, like when my shoulders had misbehaved earlier in 2021 (had ultrasound guided steroid shots in both shoulders), at least I could still walk, so I could still exercise, still move. Movement is not only my physical condition management strategy, it is also beneficial for my psychological health. Suddenly my lower body was so sore I couldn’t walk more than 500 metres. I couldn’t do upper body at the gym because my wrists wouldn’t allow me to lift dumbbells. I was struggling both physically and emotionally/psychologically.

I struggled to use a petrol pump. I couldn’t hold a coffee mug in one hand first thing in the morning. Turning taps off and on was painful. Getting dressed was a struggle. I needed a walking stick to get out of bed and move first thing in the morning. I could go on.

On January 9 I took myself to the hydrotherapy pool. It was a struggle to get into my bathers as my hands, wrists and shoulders were hurting. But I managed. Packed my hydrotherapy gear. Drove to the swim centre.

It was closed for repairs.

I walked back out to my car, sat in my car and cried. It seemed there was NOTHING I could do, not even hydrotherapy.

Of course, I’d been in touch with my medical team and January 11 I was officially taken off the old medication. I also took the rest of the week off work. Taking the rest of the week off work filled me with guilt. I love my job and when I’d accepted the offer I believed my psoriatic arthritis was under control. I didn’t feel fantastic at the time, BUT I was still only seven weeks post the foot surgery, so at the time it was thought the body seeing surgery as an injury was the cause of my flare state and I’d go back to my normal. So I was horrified to be taking time off.

I mention this for newbies to the chronic life and friends, family or colleagues trying to understand and be supportive. We, the patient, can feel guilty about stuff we have absolutely no control over. I can’t predict the future, yet I felt responsible for the fact I couldn’t have predicted the future! So then not only do we feel unwell, we feel guilty on top of it. Not a good place to be.

Bottom line, I’m on a new medication. This is my sixth medication since the start of 2015. So six medications in seven years. Many medications for many conditions, including mine, do not work overnight. Some take six to twelve weeks to “kick in”. In the meantime the patient takes a bridging medication to hopefully control symptoms at a manageable level, such as in my case Prednisolone. We taper OFF the Prednisolone as the new medication (hopefully) ramps up. I’d just ALMOST tapered off my last Prednisolone series, now I’m back on. So the patient doesn’t necessarily know for several weeks if the new medication is going to work for them. Will there be side effects? How much weight will be gained on the Prednisolone?

It can be natural for people to think along the lines of, “Well, OK, you are on a medication now, shouldn’t you be feeling better?”. No, it can take a while.

Many of these conditions are resolutely unpredictable, and THAT alone can be hard for friends, family and colleagues to understand. I get that – it is hard for ME as the patient to understand. I’m sure it is hard for the medical professionals to manage too. No crystal balls in this business. I wish there were. My rheumatologist painted me this lovely future scientific state where we will be able to personalise treatments, but we are not there yet – and probably won’t be in my lifetime. I also suspect such treatments may be rather expensive, but that is a WHOLE other discussion!

Today I actually managed to walk two walks totalling just over two kilometres. My left ankle is complaining a bit, but my right is OK. It is the furthest I’ve walked for weeks. I was back at work today. I’m on the improve.

All I can hope is the improvements continue. Pace UP again almost from scratch, don’t overdo stuff.

So if you or someone you know is struggling through a setback – please know you are not alone. It sucks. All I can say is keep persevering.

In closing, I would like to thank my manager and colleagues for their wonderful support. I am so grateful.